Totally messed up

Sleep has eluded me since arriving in London. I find myself either too energized from the day to sleep or too delirious to know I was awake. Most of the day was spent walking from one place to another, so what was another hour or two at night. Outside of our hotel the street made a sort of loop around. I walked many laps that evening talking out loud to God, only to find myself wishing just once to hear His voice. At one point I even prayed "God audibly speak to me, to show me a sign of what I am to do."
 I began to grow frustrated with my life. I didn't seem to fit at my job anymore. I felt God calling me not just to ministry, but to missional living; and I was still reeling from the events earlier that day.
All of a sudden a feeling of peace came over me, and a song entered my thoughts.
Michael English and the Gaither Vocal Band sings a song called "Temporary Home". No, not the Carrie Underwood version. The lyrics go like this:

"Sometimes I feel like I'm just walking along, with my head up in the clouds. I'm steady moving but I'm not gaining ground; heading the wrong way in a crowd. Then I remember I'm not part of this world. I'm moving higher each day. Upward mobility sounds mighty good to me; I just can't wait to get away. 

Got to remember I'm not here to stay; I'm looking forward to a brighter day. Got to remember I'm not here for long; I'm just living in my temporary home.

If you've been bothered by the problems of life, don't you let them get you down. Just look to Jesus and you will not be denied; He'll move you up to higher ground. Don't you forget you're a child of the king; you're an heir to His throne. You may not know just when He's coming back again, but He'll take us to our happy home."

I found myself singing out loud with a huge grin walking late at night on a street in London. People must have thought I had lost it. What I figured out is, what I was feeling was normal for the followers of Jesus.
"And everyone will hate you because you are my followers." Luke 21:17
I was wrapping up my walk when a scripture came to mind. I couldn't place the wording, but I felt the gospel of Luke was where I had seen that verse.
So, I returned to my room and sat down at a desk that was in there, and began to thumb through the pages in search of the scripture verse.
You ever have those moments when other scriptures seemed to jump out at you as you are searching for something else? This is what began to happen. The verses that caught my attention were too good to pass up, so I read them hoping they would lead me to the verse that started my search.
"If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me." Luke 9:23
This was the first verse that caught my attention. I want to be a follower, but what did this mean? I glanced at study notes below:

• This did not mean simply carry a heavy burden, but suffering a violent death by crucifixion. Believers must be completely willing to die to themselves and to live for God, even at the cost of their own lives.

But, that isn't how other Christians live. Is that really necessary?
"I have come to set the world on fire, and I wish it were already burning!" Luke 12:49

• Jesus' ministry radically changed the status quo, bringing judgement on the wicked and purifying the righteous.

I'm frankly tired of status quo. It is said that doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is insanity. I believe it! But God, what about my family? Would they support me? What would my dad say?
"If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26
Okay, well that answers that question. But my dad has taken ill and I need to stay close. Can I follow you without becoming a missionary?
"Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God." Luke 9:62
Okay, Okay, I hear you, but I have a wife and kids, a job, and a responsibility to them. I can't just walk away.
"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." Luke 16:13
Fine, I give up!! God I will do whatever you ask. I'm tired of serving myself and trying to look Christian. I am in.
I remembered I asked God to speak to me in an audible way, so that I may receive a sign.
"... Jesus replied, 'The Kingdom of God can't be detected by visible signs. You won't be able to say, 'Here it is!' or 'it's over there!' For the Kingdom of God is already among you." Luke 17:20-21
What God was really saying to me was, "I said it once and it was recorded in my scriptures, I will not repeat myself."
Is there something God has said to you, but you are too scared to ask questions?
Please let me end with this quote from A.W. Tozer:

"The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't yet come to the end of themselves. We are still trying to give orders, and interfering with God's work in us."

What would my dad say?

It's day two in London, and I have really begun to settle in to my quaint little room. I'm not a very good sleeper when I am in a new place, but I thought I would be dog tired after the day before. God has blessed me, or cursed me, with an internal alarm clock. I'm usually up by 6 am, not matter what timezone I am in. Of course this plays into my favourite time of day, the morning. There is something about the morning when everything is waking up, there is fresh dew on everything, and the smells are crisp as a spring rain. I love it!! The only thing that would have made my morning more amazing, would have Admiral Boom firing off his time gun to signal the morning.
The rest of the group was up and ready to go a little before the house had prepared breakfast, so we set out to find a traditional English breakfast at a local establishment. My bacon, egg, and cheese muffin was like no other I had tasted. Real farm fresh eggs, fresh English muffin, real cheese, thick crunchy bacon; is this heaven? No, it's government mandated, locally sourced, McDonald's!! Boy do I feel jipped. All these years content with a breakfast substitute, and I discover in one morning what is truly possible. Now I know why the Brits use words like, Brilliant!!
I suppose I should tell you, I am from the Mid-west. This is the home of McDonald's. You would think we would have the better options. Anyway, enough about my religious experiences.
That day we met a new friend, who was a church historian and pastor, at St. Paul's Cathedral. Before you ask, I was hoping to see the old bird women selling bird seed for Tuppence a bag, but she must have stepped out.
Now the Mary Poppins overtures were mushrooming in my mind, and I could have just walked around this magnificent place dreaming of popping in and out of chalk drawings, but we had other things on the agenda.
Not to get whisked away, we walked into the nearby courtyard. We all stood at St. Paul's Cross and listened about it's history. Before William Tyndale translated the Bible from Latin into common language, this is the place where the priests would preach to the crowds. You see, no one owned a Bible. They would come to this place to receive God's word from the church. Needless to say, things weren't always interpreted accurately. This was also the very place many Christians were martyred for taking a stand against the heretical ways of the church.
We then travelled to one of the best kept secrets of London, Postman's Park. This also marks the site of John Wesley's conversion, the father of Methodism. What makes Postman's Park particularly special is what it represents. This place is no bigger than a postage stamp compared to all of London, but within it lies a monument erected by Queen Victoria and George Fredrick Watts as a memorial to those who had given their lives while rescuing others.
 ^"He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them." 2 Cor 5:15
After learning how so many have gone before us and paid the price so we may understand our faith, it humbled me.
We then went up to Loughburough and met with a great group whose mission is the equip kids to be missionaries on their college campuses. This really captured my attention. What a fantastic idea!! The energy they brought to the meeting was just the kick we needed to keep going that day.
On our way back, we met a few random people on the train. It was awesome how God connected those lives to us, and how receptive they were to our discussions about faith. Pinch me!! I am I really here? Wow!! Could it get any better?
That afternoon it did. We met a new friend at Parliament; and not only was this guy a Christian, but he is a doctor, an accomplished recording artist, and a parliament member. Oh yeah, he's only 35!! As we ogled at Big Ben, we discovered we were going to go inside. Excuse me? What?
This was all making my head a bit dizzy. Soon we were through security and we were standing in the lobby between the House of Commons and the House of Lords. I could see the queen's seat on one side and the Prime Minister on the other. Then we began to pray over the country. Amazing!!
After dinner and some more touring the city, we returned to our new home for the night. That night God would speak to me and mess me up forever.
“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me." Luke 9:23
Am I willing to die for my faith? Am I to walk away from everything I know and follow? Am I really willing to go "all in"? What would my Dad say?

What have I got myself in to now?

After convincing myself I had to go, I began the process of fundraising for my trip. Yuck! I begged from my usual sources (family) and God was faithful through their generosity. Within a matter of weeks I was boarding a plane for, what would be a first of many trips overseas. This was a real adventure. I am 6'4" and rather lanky, so flying always presents some concessions on my part. If you have never been seated in the middle of five seats on a 747 for nine hours, you have never really lived.
Upon arriving in London, and regaining feeling in my legs, I had a brand new nervousness awaiting me. I had never had to go through a border check point before, and at 6:30 in the morning, I'm not sure I was ready. Anxiously I approached the attendant and promptly said the biggest fopaux you could've said. "Why are you here?" asked the attendant. "I'm here to do mission work." Pardon? Do work? Thankfully my pastor spoke up and said we were meeting a friend who was a local missionary to do some spiritual exploration, or something like that. Whew! we're in. Lesson learned for me, but how do we keep our integrity if we only tell half truths?
"A fool's lips walk into a fight,and his mouth invites a beating." Proverbs 18:6
Needless to say, we collected our luggage and were on board my favorite mode of transportation, the London Underground or the Tube.
We had about a 45 minute ride to our stop, and I was geeking out. My eyes were roaming all around the train, listening to the buzz of the morning rush. I tried to fit in like a local, but I believe my stack of luggage gave way to me being another American tourist that was just let out.
We arrived at the Highbury/Islington station and wandered in the wrong direction for about 15 minutes until we realized our missteps. After being kindly redirected by some local folks, we finally arrived at our destination. We had a short rest and then we were off again.
We met a friend at King's Cross station who would be our tour guide for the week, little did I know how this friend would shape my life. Having never met him before, I had know idea what I was in for.
While I was walking and eyes-wide-open looking around, I couldn't help but hum a few songs from Mary Poppins. This place was simply magical. I had never had a place or a people impact me this way. It was if I had stumbled into the living room on Christmas morning and discovered all of my favorite things. Could it get any better?
One of my first anxiety attacks came when we had decided on lunch. Upon walking into a small Italian cafe, I discovered there weren't any prices to be found. I am a trained monkey who eats at McDonald's. Where are the value meals? Where is the Dollar menu? Not only was this stressful, but I had scraped together enough money just get to England, let alone spend any money. This was my first taste of what was to come. No worries(a phrase I picked up), God's got this.
"If He leads you to it, He will lead you through it." Phil 1:6
I spent most of the day asking questions about what it was we were doing, why the mission was so important, and where are we going. I was taking notes all day. It was almost as if I had stepped into a mobile lecture hall.
I'm told that if you stay up all day and go to bed with the people of the current country you are in, you will avoid jet lag. That would have worked, but after my first day I was so excited I couldn't fall asleep.
Loads of meetings and conversations took place the first day, and I was alone in my room trying to process all that I had seen and heard. Finally after doing some recap journaling, I was able to rest. It was almost as if I had to pull it out of my brain and write it done, so I could fill it back up the next day.

There has to be more to life than this, right?

Around July of 2011, I was asking that very question. I had just finished what was a very successful year in business. I was asked to take on more in my work and relocate to a new town. All the while, I was feeling a bit empty. My wife and I went to Alexandria, Louisiana to explore what later became a defining moment in our life. On the last day we sat across from each other at this little diner, which had become our favorite hangout. We both felt something wasn't right about this opportunity. We went back home and declined to go through with it. Well this left me with an utter discontent.
After hearing a great sermon on fasting, I felt compelled to enter into a media fast. I absurdly asked my entire family to cut out television, internet, video games, for at least 40 days; I am proud to say we lasted 14. Now before you judge our resolve, we found it really difficult at first. I remember telling my wife, "I now know what it is like to be dependent on something." I was even craving it like it was air or something. My wife did a wonderful job keeping my distraction with card playing or long walks. I even tried to journal my thoughts during the fast, but I am a baby when it comes to using such primitive tools as a pen and paper.
After my brain passed through entertainment detox, I realized how loud God was screaming at me. It was almost as if my life had been filled with white noise, and about day 14 I found the off button. God was telling me the answer to my question, but I was too busy in my world to listen.
In Luke 9:24, Jesus was teaching the crowds about discipleship. In this verse He states, "If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it."
That scripture was what He was trying to get through to me. I just wish I hadn't wandered around for so long on my own trying to figure it all out.
I had been raised in church all my life, so this wasn't an unfamiliar passage. However, I wasn't real good at giving up control unless it logically made sense.
After I responded with a "Fine! I'm done! I give up!", He said I was to quit my job and go into full-time ministry. Of course this brought on a ton of questions, many which I couldn't answer. I met with my pastor the following week, and he had advised me to stay at my job. He felt I had a mission field at my work, and I could pastor my employees. This answer didn't sit well with me either.
I had lived my life my way for so long, my wife was so fed up with my selfish decisions, that even she couldn't help. So I went back to my pastor, and restated what I thought was God's message, and he didn't know how to help me. I was so frustrated!! Isn't this what pastors get trained for? After meeting several more times with him, he told me of a vision trip to London, England. Our church was going to explore mission opportunities over there. He told me he didn't have any answers for me but maybe God would show me on this trip. Well  just great!! Not only did I receive little clarity, but now I have to travel 4,000 miles to get it.
That afternoon, I sat down with my wife and told her what had happened. I asked what she thought about me going to London. I nearly fell out of my chair when her response was, "I think you should go."
God never asks you to do something that He hasn't already prepared the way for you to go. All He requires is one step in front of the other. Let Him order your steps, and guide your path.
"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105