Totally messed up

Sleep has eluded me since arriving in London. I find myself either too energized from the day to sleep or too delirious to know I was awake. Most of the day was spent walking from one place to another, so what was another hour or two at night. Outside of our hotel the street made a sort of loop around. I walked many laps that evening talking out loud to God, only to find myself wishing just once to hear His voice. At one point I even prayed "God audibly speak to me, to show me a sign of what I am to do."
 I began to grow frustrated with my life. I didn't seem to fit at my job anymore. I felt God calling me not just to ministry, but to missional living; and I was still reeling from the events earlier that day.
All of a sudden a feeling of peace came over me, and a song entered my thoughts.
Michael English and the Gaither Vocal Band sings a song called "Temporary Home". No, not the Carrie Underwood version. The lyrics go like this:

"Sometimes I feel like I'm just walking along, with my head up in the clouds. I'm steady moving but I'm not gaining ground; heading the wrong way in a crowd. Then I remember I'm not part of this world. I'm moving higher each day. Upward mobility sounds mighty good to me; I just can't wait to get away. 

Got to remember I'm not here to stay; I'm looking forward to a brighter day. Got to remember I'm not here for long; I'm just living in my temporary home.

If you've been bothered by the problems of life, don't you let them get you down. Just look to Jesus and you will not be denied; He'll move you up to higher ground. Don't you forget you're a child of the king; you're an heir to His throne. You may not know just when He's coming back again, but He'll take us to our happy home."

I found myself singing out loud with a huge grin walking late at night on a street in London. People must have thought I had lost it. What I figured out is, what I was feeling was normal for the followers of Jesus.
"And everyone will hate you because you are my followers." Luke 21:17
I was wrapping up my walk when a scripture came to mind. I couldn't place the wording, but I felt the gospel of Luke was where I had seen that verse.
So, I returned to my room and sat down at a desk that was in there, and began to thumb through the pages in search of the scripture verse.
You ever have those moments when other scriptures seemed to jump out at you as you are searching for something else? This is what began to happen. The verses that caught my attention were too good to pass up, so I read them hoping they would lead me to the verse that started my search.
"If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me." Luke 9:23
This was the first verse that caught my attention. I want to be a follower, but what did this mean? I glanced at study notes below:

• This did not mean simply carry a heavy burden, but suffering a violent death by crucifixion. Believers must be completely willing to die to themselves and to live for God, even at the cost of their own lives.

But, that isn't how other Christians live. Is that really necessary?
"I have come to set the world on fire, and I wish it were already burning!" Luke 12:49

• Jesus' ministry radically changed the status quo, bringing judgement on the wicked and purifying the righteous.

I'm frankly tired of status quo. It is said that doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is insanity. I believe it! But God, what about my family? Would they support me? What would my dad say?
"If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26
Okay, well that answers that question. But my dad has taken ill and I need to stay close. Can I follow you without becoming a missionary?
"Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God." Luke 9:62
Okay, Okay, I hear you, but I have a wife and kids, a job, and a responsibility to them. I can't just walk away.
"No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." Luke 16:13
Fine, I give up!! God I will do whatever you ask. I'm tired of serving myself and trying to look Christian. I am in.
I remembered I asked God to speak to me in an audible way, so that I may receive a sign.
"... Jesus replied, 'The Kingdom of God can't be detected by visible signs. You won't be able to say, 'Here it is!' or 'it's over there!' For the Kingdom of God is already among you." Luke 17:20-21
What God was really saying to me was, "I said it once and it was recorded in my scriptures, I will not repeat myself."
Is there something God has said to you, but you are too scared to ask questions?
Please let me end with this quote from A.W. Tozer:

"The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't yet come to the end of themselves. We are still trying to give orders, and interfering with God's work in us."